Guilt

Reading posts by several stroke bloggers about feelings of anger after a stroke got me thinking.  And I realized I was never angry after my stroke.  I think there are several reasons for this.  First, in the hospital and during inpatient rehab, I was too busy, too overwhelmed by everything to feel much of anything.  It was all I could do, and more, to process how my life how changed, and absorb and adjust to my new reality.  Then, when I came home and had time to evaluate, assimilate and do some research, I realized how much better off I was than most stroke survivors, and I felt gratitude more than anger.  Another reason that relates to my personal belief system is:  Who would I be angry with?

I don't believe in a God who controls our lives and decides our fate, and who visits strokes on some while sparing others.  I suppose I could have been angry at fate, or maybe the universe, but that seems too nebulous to work up a good anger.  If I were going to be angry at anyone, it would have been with myself, for I believe I was primarily responsible for my stroke.

Since I don't believe in a God that operates the universe, I believe there is a great deal of randomness in whatever befalls us.  But down at our human level, I also believe that cause and effect also exists.  Before my hemorrhagic stroke, I was in pretty good shape for a man of sixty, but I did have high blood pressure.  I was stubborn, though, and determined not to take medicine, but to bring it down through diet and exercise.  That might have worked given enough time, but a blood vessel in my brain gave up and leaked before it came down to a safe level.

For sure, I did, and do, feel anger at myself for not taking the actions that could have prevented my stroke, but more than anger, I felt guilt at what I did.  Guilt for my selfishness in not taking care of myself and putting my family through such worry, upheaval, and trauma. I will feel guilty about what I did for the rest of my life, but I do not let it hold me back, or let it interfere with my recovery.  I am resolved to move on with my life to the best of my ability in spite of the guilt I feel.  To do anything else would be to hurt my family even more than I already have, and I am determined not to let that happen.   I acknowledge my guilt and everyday try to atone for it.  It's the very least I can do.